it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
O Wise One….
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies