it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.