it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life