Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Geez man, take it easy.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”