Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

me when i smell free food in the break room

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?