Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

i actually laughed 😩

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…