It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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Breaking news:
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Cannot stop laughing at this
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.