It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
You Might Also Like
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.