It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
incredible text to wake up to
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*