It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.