“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*