Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.