Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Seems legit

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

I never needed anything more in my life