“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
No Google it does not
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
hi why am I like this
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.