“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.