Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]