Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Where is your GOD now????

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”