Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Driving in Europe vs Canada

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.