Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.