Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

ㅤ

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.