It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
stand with me against insufficient seating
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”