It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today