It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
