Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.