Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Don’t forget to tip your server

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

bias laundering edition

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.