It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
✌🏽
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
