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my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me


I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast


Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.


(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for


Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.


Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.

And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


Batman: fighting crime is easy

Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t

Batman: not now Robin