It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.