It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
I’m never leaving this app.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
A great first step 😂
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
All generalizations are stupid.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
i just found this in my phone
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.