“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played