It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
How do dragons blow out candles?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.