Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Shoo shoo! 😂

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”