Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth