It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I am also baked goods
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.