Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Google reviews are always so mixed..

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I can fix him.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.