It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Seek kebab; not attention