It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”