It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?