“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Rooting for the overdog
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*launders Kohls cash*
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.