“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
That 👊
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.