“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
You Might Also Like
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The news
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.