‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.