‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You Might Also Like
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
🤣🤣🤣
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”