‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.