It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
At ease
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case