It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
mariah carrie
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*