It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
The biggest mystery of our time
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad