It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
And then there were 4
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
wtf management?!
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course