It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
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Chemical wingman
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you