It’s the weekend y’all
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.