@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

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@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

@sarcastictroler

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldnโ€™t you bring a dog to an interview?

@dumbbeezie

Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@WilliamAder

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

@RedRegenerated

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}