@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

@tarashoe

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@Thedudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@stockejock

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@ISOremarkable

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.