Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂