It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When the stylist spins you back around
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
i think both sides are to blame here
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.