It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Good news
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”