Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Ha.

Beware…..

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

So the ex texted me

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.