It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[eats all your cotton candy]
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
the clam before the storm
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.