Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I am also baked goods

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.