Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?