Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

I’d … I’d rather not.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.