Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.