Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

This kid will have a bright future.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*