It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.