It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!