It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
You Might Also Like
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.