It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
