it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
OH. COME. ON.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?