Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else