it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.