it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.