it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.