Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

this is what they would have looked like, though

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.