It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
You Might Also Like
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My dad.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.