Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

cats when you pet them too long:

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.